...(insert vertical, wiggly "time lapse" lines)...Spring 1998. I was a 4th grade teacher at a prominent Catholic school in Denver. I was also loving wife to my husband Doug and a devoted mommy to my first child, Morgan who was approaching his 1st birthday. We had just begun to feel comfortable in our new roles as parents, home owners and for lack of a better word, adults. That April, my good friend and fellow teacher had invited me to her bachelorette party. It was a last night (as it is for all brides-to-be) get her sillies out before becoming "Mrs. (insert husband-to-be's last name)". I left that evening with Doug's permission. It was understood that taxis were going to be the sole mode of transportation and that I'd be spending the night at the bachelorette's house. Pulling out of the driveway, I blew an air kiss at my most favorite men in the world. Doug held up Morgan's hand to wave "bye-bye" as I drove off. Even now, remembering the moment, evokes that foreboding line from Gilligan's Island, "A threeeee hour touuuuur".We were headed to a downtown hotspot called "Polyester". A dance club that played only music from the 70's and 80's, this place was like Heaven...Valhalla, the friggin' PROMISED LAND to my age group. We hit the dance floor running. Over the next few hours, I worked up a sweat that I'll never be able to replicate. The only things that kept me from passing out due to severe dehydration, were the Lemon Drops. Why this thirst quenching savior came only in shot glasses was bewildering to me. However, I took great precautions to make sure I was well hydrated... I woke to the sound of a voice who to me, sounded much like Chris Rock in one of his ranting comedic soliloquies . As I slowly became aware of my surroundings, I first noticed that I was on a cot. There were florescent light fixtures on the ceiling blaring down at me, and the unmistakable scent of urine in the air. I rolled over and saw another identical cot next to me. On it, Chris Rock was swearing at nurse ( wait. hold on. nurse?) threatening bodily harm if a phone was not given to him pronto. It dawned on me that Chris was in a skirt. His eyelids were caked with baby blue eyeshadow and his lips were smeared with red lipstick. Ah. Chris was a lady.A Lady of the Evening...Bam! I smacked myself into reality. Where the hell was I and why were my cot and my clothes soaking wet and about that urine smell...????? I staggered to my feet an confirmed that I wasn't in Kansas anymore...
Posted On: April 02, 2013
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