• Mean Girl Mommies

    Mean Girl Mommies

    Mean Girl Mommies...

    Meet the girls who rule the preschool...

     

     

    We all know it’s been ten years since “Mean Girls” burst onto the screen. We’ve been inundated with tributes in print (New York Times) and online (The Coveteur). And although I appreciate the comparisons to the conniving politicos and fashionable cliques (brilliant, by the way), I think we’ve ignored one of the most prevalent cliques who really rule the school — the mean girl mommies.

     

    I’ll admit, I was late to the game. After spending 20 years working in the brutal media trenches, watching out for knife-wielding editors and buyers-are-liars celebrity publicists, I was ill-prepared for what I encountered on the first day of preschool. For it was there, a few steps from the carpool line, that I saw a row of empty booster seats. They were all labeled — princess pink with crowns for the girls, blue pirate stickers for the boys. “Am I supposed to leave her carseat?” I asked a fellow mom. “Oh no,” she replied. “Those are for the kids with playdates after school.”

     

    And so it began. The race to find someone who would invite my child into their home and prove to those around that she belonged with the right girls. I was new to this southern school, and I worked all day at a magazine that also happened to keep me out many nights as well. But I could control anything, I thought. I just convinced Ivanka Trump to spend her off-duty weekend in Palm Beach in front of our camera. And, she agreed to fly in to host our magazine’s first anniversary party. Did I not just get Usher’s mother to give the go-ahead on a last minute cover shoot with her very in-demand son? Get in with the cool moms? No sweat.

     

    And that’s when I met the Reginas, Gretchens and Karens of the pre-K playground. I’ve heard that Jennifer Aniston might take the lead of a movie called “Mean Moms”, and I’m curious to see how the writers portray these ladies I can now spot from miles away. In the meantime, a few suggestions for the script:

     

    On Wednesdays, we do Chick-Fil-A.

    This is their lunchroom, toting their brood straight from carpool line to the wait-staffed home of the nugget. They’re sitting in their booth, each child has a friend carefully selected for the playdate, and they’re secretly noting which mom hasn’t showered since drop-off.

     

    We only wear espadrilles one day a week, so I guess you chose today.

    The mommy status symbols are endless — from the Goyard totes to the Repetto flats — so missteps do not go unnoticed. For the ultimate in fashionable insecurity, devise a scene at the private school’s annual auction. Local boutiques keep a running tab on who’s wearing what to appease the queen bee, and your hero could emerge wearing an exclusive, straight off-the-runway frock to the cocktail affair. 

     

    Ex-nannies are off-limits to friends. That's just, like, the rules of feminism.

    I’ll never forget the “Nanny-gate of 2010”. An especially entitled mom felt that she could do better, and stole “Regina’s” nanny, causing ripples throughout the neighborhood. Which leads to another rule — always be nice to the nanny. One of the moms threw their son’s birthday party on a Friday afternoon, so working moms couldn’t attend, and it was assumed that my nanny would just take care of all the kids while the others gossiped and sipped their Chardonnay. So when said mom needed last minute childcare for a Napa weekend away with the husband, not one of the nannies happened to be available. Poor thing had to keep sipping in the backyard and missed the vineyard. Bless her heart, as we southern moms say.

     

    Is white wine a carb?

    It’s whine o’clock somewhere, and you know the mommy juice craze has struck a nerve when The Today Show is portraying an innocent playdate  — one glass of wine and they walked home — into an afternoon of drunken revelry. (http://mariashriver.com/blog/2014/04/maria-shriver-reports-on-mommy-juice-moms-drinking-to-relieve-stress/) So give us a break….and a sloppy Gretchen moment. That’s gotta happen.

     

    Stop trying to make kale chips happen. It’s not going to happen.

    “Mommy, everyone at school has heat-up lunches, and I have sunflower butter.” Apparently, there are children who not only eat their dinner, but heat it up and eat more vegetables the next day. If I can get my child to eat anything that’s not a sweet, it’s like Christmas.

     

    That’s why her diaper bag is so big. It’s full of secrets.

    A nooner with the tennis pro? A husband with a porn addiction? Prime material here.

     

    Made out with an organic soy dog? That’s was one time!

    And it was probably when she was doing her mandatory rotation in the snack tent at her son’s Little League game.

     

    How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by the judgmental b***h who weighs the frozen yogurt?

    Or the mom who never eats the Pinkberry, just sits with the kids while checking in on Facebook.

     

    Oh my God, you can't just ask someone why they're wearing white pumps.

    As one of my recent favorites said to me at a parent coffee — “Oh, I love your watch. I have the same one…just twice as big.”

     

    So you agree? You think you're really pretty.

    I can actually see her 4 year-old daughter saying this to her friend, while wearing mommy’s jewels. Because, unfortunately, they’re just spawning the next generation and little girls repeat everything their mommies say. “My mommy says your mommy has man shoulders, and halters are not her friend.”

     

    And this is where it has to end. Because if the mean girl mommies don’t stop, we’ll have another  bullying campaign to create. But there is hope. When one of my friends was lamenting a mean girl mommy problem, another one of my supermoms realized that same mean girl was begging her to help her with a project. Not anymore! That’s the thing about us moms. We like to talk, especially over a glass of wine. As my friend replied, “Don’t mess with the kind girls’ posse — we have power and we’re not afraid to use it.”

     

     

     

    About the Author:

    After a decade in the New York editorial world with magazines such as Vanity FairDetails and Harper's Bazaar, Elizabeth Schulte Roth moved to Atlanta to marry her southern gentleman. She directed the public relations for the Tony Award-winning Alliance Theatre for a few years before returning to the glossies as Atlanta editor of PaperCity Magazine. She eventually launched the city's most popular luxury magazine, Atlanta Peach, as its editor-in-chief. She continues to write for numerous publications both in print and online.


     

     

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